.:Duels of Life:.
The past 8 months, I have been frantically searching for something. Something that I had in me but not to be found. I was lost , I was so confused that I spelled it with a K, I was hungry not mention thirsty at the same time, felt very cold like I had no clothes on, and did not know what to do as I did had the strength to stand on my own 2 feet. I was no longer Adrian Kok. I was something else, something not me ,something different. Negativity, self-pity, arrogance, pride, and worst insecurity held me by the hand. I couldn’t run far as I was always held back by it. I grew tired so much so that I gave up hope in a lot of things even in God. I had nothing left in me , I felt like a loser every time because I felt I was not given a gift at all compared to everyone around me. It was so bad that I felt pain every time my heart pumps. That was bad enough, what was worst is that I hid it from everyone. Making people think that I am all jolly good fellow. It was the mask of happiness that masked me from what I truly felt inside. All because I thought I was able to handle it without any help at all, I thought I had the upper hand in things. That was the worst scenario that can happened to anyone, but for me it did not stop there. Car accident happened so frequently, that whenever I enter to the car , I was struck with so much fear that I am going to have an accident any time soon. I was just so filled with fear that I had not room for me to even breathe. I thought my problems would stop but no, I was so damn wrong. Betrayal was knocking at the doorstep and paying me a visit. It was really nice of him pay me a visit. He really knew the word “Timing” inside out. By the time betrayal came knocking at my door, these additional problems are not helping me. Damn it!! I was just looking for an answer to all my problems. Stop bugging as I am having a hard time looking for answers.
Soon I fell into depression, depressed because it could not find answers at all. I was also angry at myself because this were not on my side. It was Wednesday so it means Monash badminton practice. On the way home, driving along the LDP I had a car accident. It was a minor one but I knew my parents are not going to be too happy about it. What the hell man? I just had a major accident a month back!! When is this going to stop?” shouting to myself while driving home. True enough, dad was hurricane Katrina and mum was hurricane Rita. It was the very first time I fought back at my parents being their child for 20 years. Later in my room I was crying hating myself for what is going on and asking God did he wake on the wrong of the bed this morning and picked on me. It was tears of anger and not because of the accident but it was my threshold in my current situation. I scream my lungs out that night. Telling God how unfair life was treating me and why does He not lend me a hand when I need it.
Days of being depressed really made me bored so I tuned into some radio station in the US with the internet. It was a Christian radio station. After a while I got bored with the songs that were played because it did not mean a single thing to me but I continue listening to it because there was not new song in the current charts that I like. Out of the bluest blue, the DJ decided to play a song by Hillary Duff. Since I used to like Ms. Duff I will lend my pair of ears to her song. The title was someone is watching over me.
Throughout the whole song there were tears flowing. Tears of happiness!! I felt that God use this song to converse to me as the lyrics were direction to find what I lost. I am a person that will not give up so easily. However, I was erroneous because I was walking on the wrong side of the road, heading to nowhere and furthermore listening to people’s wrong directions which I thought was correct. I allow other people to control my life rather than me controlling it my own because I was drawn in by critics. So I told myself have to learn how to walk before I can learn how to run I had to take control of my life and not give up or give in. Therefore, I began to take a lot of things form different perspective. Negativity had no room as it was overpowered by positive mindset. From there I stop being a self pity junkie for it was a real bad habit. Things began to change drastically as I am confident of where I am heading. Yet, that was just the first part of the problem I have heaps more to deal with. I was lonely, I was insecure and I had no friends. Then, betrayal came knocking at my door again. So, I gave him a piece of my mind and I
felt great after that. One tonne of weight just lifted away from me.
Nonetheless, I was still bog down by another nine tonne of hurt, pain and problems. My negligence towards my friends paid its toll on me. To my delight, my friends accepted me and did not blame me at all for what I have done towards them. I felt the warmth that I long for so long. One after another, the weights upon me beginning to be lifted off me.I was all pumped and going. Life has its ups and downs. Most of the time we blame God for the bad times, but I feel that the bad times make you grow even more compared to the good times. I am back on track now and I am happy that I pick myself up even when I fell. A piece from me is to face your greatest fears and not run away from it.
All I can say that it's good that you've found yourself right on track. Well, I can't say much, coz most of the time my life have been rather smooth sailing.
But I guess your how you reacted towards your problem was normal.. I mean we're not borned to be perfect. We're never perfect, so we made mistakes, we believe other ppl's advice coz we thought their right. But whatever we do the most important thing is to learn the right way when we realise we're on the wrong track.
Your post is encouraging to many who may have experienced similar problems.
Ahh... a testimony of hope & love (acceptance)! Amen amen... indeed God speaks to us in many ways... Know that we are supporting you through as well & we care for ya! =)Take carez, brother Adrian!
baby..i noe things havent been going smoothly for u but i believe that there will always be a good and bad phase. perhaps this is just a bad phase u have to endure and greater rewards are in store for u in the future. God has plans for us...it will unravel as times goes by...it goes the same for me..i wish i can see the future what i really should be doing. things are tougher for me than ever but i know i still have God and you to support me. i'll always be here for u baby...to bring light in ur darkest hour. i love you always ok....don't worry..things will get better.
yeh i some timetime faces problem and bad time god is good and always guide us no mater where we are
baby, hang in there.. hahaha
PS: word verification was tgzgkmn!! woooo hoo... just thought you'd like to know..
Man... I tot the last post was by your gf... We-ki, don't you have better things to post??
LOL We-Ki is getting Horny!!!!!!